The appointment is at 11am and we're fully psyched up for at least a one hour delay, if not two. Surprisingly and for the first time ever we are called in on time. The consultant today is Dr. Gildersleve who is the 'head honcho' and the guy that we have been hoping to see for the last 8 months. I instantly don't like him as his tone is patronising and he doesn't even acknowledge David and I when we walk into the room. He addresses Mum like a 3 year old child, but I guess there is no confusion about what he is trying to say as he is clear and to the point. He starts by asking Mum how she has been feeling since she finished chemotherapy over 3 months ago. The answer is terrible!
Dr. Gildersleve is aware that Mum has been suffering immensely psychologically but he is really unable to advise on these problems as it is not his speciality. He asks about her appetite and is pleased when she tells him that she has put on 4-5lbs recently. She is not in any pain and not passing any blood so these are all good signs. He asks us to leave the room while he does a physical examination. Mum is very anxious and asks if I can stay with her, but the nurse says I should wait outside. I hate leaving her when she is so vulnerable.
There is no scan today and we are waiting to hear the blood tests results which apparently can tell us a lot about what the cancer is doing. From what I have read they are looking for two substances which are often found in the blood of some people with colorectal cancer. They are referred to as tumour markers. Prior to treatment the tumour markers are elevated and then go down to normal, they are checked again when you come in for follow-up and if the tumour marker level goes up again, it can be a sign that the cancer has come back.
When we re-enter the room the doctor tells us that it is good news today, the bloods are completely normal and following his examination the liver has shrunk down to normal size and the bowel tumour is much smaller than before. He said the bloods were completely abnormal prior to treatment and the liver was massively inflamed. He said the chemo has worked as well as can be expected and the cancer has responded "very nicely indeed" to the treatment. He says she has got into a very good remission compared to 6-8 months ago and that chemotherapy has most definitely been worthwhile.
Mum is not convinced that the chemo has been worthwhile due to all the side and after effects she has been experiencing. In response to this, Dr. Gildersleve is very blunt and says "Let's put it this way, if you hadn't had chemotherapy you would have been dead within two weeks!" This is a massive shock and really goes to show how bad it was and how much improvement she has made. Even though she feels dreadful I am so proud of her. Mum's response is so good that she should be feeling physically fine now and not suffering from any cancer related symptoms at all. He says there is so little cancer now compared with earlier in the year and is convinced that the majority of her problems in recent months are predominantly psychological rather than physical.
We are informed that the signs to look out for when the cancer starts to grow back are loss of appetite, weight loss, tummy pains and bleeding. He is very direct in telling us that the cancer won't stay controlled forever and that at some stage it might grow back. Usually with this type of cancer even when it shrinks well, it does start to grow back again within one to two years. When it becomes clear that the cancer is on the move again we can discuss further treatment options, but for now all is stable.
Dad, David and I are very positive and tell Mum that the next job is really to work on changing her negative mindset into a positive one. She now knows that she is not going to die tomorrow or the next day and she can start to focus on the things she would like to do and enjoy again. She really must get out of the house more and tell herself that she can achieve things. We're going to make a list, start small and tick things off as we go. The first aim is to get her back to our house in Shamley Green for a few days, followed by a trip to Lewes to see David and Keri's new house. There is also talk of getting her back to Northern Ireland to see her Mum. At the minute these tasks seem quite a way off, but Dad says the new drug the psychiatrist prescribed is making a huge difference already so there is hope.
Mum is upset in the afternoon because she is disappointed that the doctor says she should be feeling physically fine and she is not. She wishes she didn't have the mental problems as if this hadn't happened she would really be OK now. For the first time in ages I cry in front of Mum and tell her how upset I am about what she is going through. I have managed to hide my feelings quite well up until now. She says she hates to think of me being upset and confesses that her biggest fear is leaving me because she knows how absolutely heart broken I will be when she goes. I tell her how much I miss her and she bursts into tears and says she really misses me too. I miss the fun we used to have together and I really hope that we get to have fun again soon. Here is a picture of us together in St. Lucia when I used to work for Virgin Atlantic:
Mum quickly decides that we should go for a walk to get some fresh air. I really think this morning's news and actually seeing me cry has geed her up to try and start improving. We managed to walk around the duck pond and back which is a good 20 minute walk. Dad is so impressed as even at the weekend she was unable to walk further than the end of the garden fence and back. In the evening, Dad drops David and I back at the train station and it's the first time with have left Mum without her saying goodbye as if it's the last time she's ever going to see us. David says in the car that she seems happier already and that she's been genuinely smiling and cracking jokes this afternoon. Is is a turning point? Only time will tell.
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