It's been 3 months now since the last little glimmer of hope and I'm sorry to say there hasn't been a day as good since. Mum went downhill again after her visit to Guildford and sunk into a deeper depression. The day that she made it to our house was a one off and she's hardly left the house since. It's hard to know if she is the way she is because of the cancer or because of her mental state. She's very weak and has lost all the feeling in her hands and her feet as a result of the chemo and the cocktail of drugs she is taking. She finds this incredibly frustrating as it's a struggle to walk to the end of the drive and back and she can't do the things she used to because her hands don't work properly anymore. Several cups of tea have been spilt due to her constant shaking.
Uncle Derek and Aunty Ann came over from Northern Ireland towards the end of August and left completely shell-shocked and heartbroken at the state they found Mum in. She spent a lot of time in her bedroom. She struggled to get up in the mornings, had difficulty talking, walking and generally holding herself together in front of them. It was very difficult spending time there and trying to act normally when all I wanted to do was bawl my eyes out. I found it very difficult to talk with them, because I didn't want it to seem like I was just carrying on as normal, but I also found it very hard to talk about Mum without a lump in my throat and tears forming. I also sensed that they found it a struggle to know what to say to me and there were several awkward silences. I am so thankful for Dylan because he is such a great distraction for me and those around me. He always gives me something pleasurable to talk about and brings a smile to my face even in the darkest times.
Derek and Ann said that Aunty Barbara had prepared them for their visit but they had no idea what it would really be like. They urged me to try and get Mum hospitalised as they felt this was the only option for her. I explained that we have discussed hospitalisation with the GP and the Macmillan nurse on several occasions but to no avail. We have also discussed electric shock therapy and sedation, but Gill and the GP assure us this is not the best option for Mum and that we must persist with trialling different drugs until we find the combination that works. This seems like a never-ending process and is very tedious, but more so for Dad who has to live with the constant disappointment of no change.
About a week after Derek and Ann left Mum's Macmillan nurse called in for a visit. She was so shocked at the deterioration in Mum's mental state that FINALLY she recommended that Mum be admitted to Reading's psychiatric hospital. She said she would call the GP immediately following the visit and make the recommendation. The GP has tried and failed with several different combinations of drugs and it seems that drastic measures are now required to make any difference. The GP was also in agreement and contacted Mum's psychiatrist with the recommendation and set up an appointment for a few days time. Mum knows herself that something drastic needs to happen in order for her to even feel slightly better and she has come round to the idea of being admitted.
The appointment came and went and still nothing changed! The psychiatrist did not feel that admitting Mum was the best solution and that we must try yet more new drugs in the hope that they make a difference. Mum cried, begged and pleaded with the psychiatrist to admit her but it was not meant to be. Following the appointment I looked up reviews of the hospital on the Internet and it sounded horrific, so underneath it all I am glad that she didn't have to go there. I don't like the thought of my Mum being surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and self-harmer's. So anyway, the new drugs contain more sedative and should help to keep Mum calm as her current levels of anxiety are so high that she is not able to function properly. They will make her very sleepy and her energy levels will decrease even further, but we are of the opinion it is better to be this way than in her current state of constant panic. She has no quality of life anymore and we just want her to get to a place where she feels calm and is able to relax. She just wants an end to the constant suffering and the living nightmare that she has to endure. She still hasn't reached the acceptance stage and it's looking unlikely that she ever will. I frequently wonder how I would cope if the tables were turned.
If I'm totally honest, I feel like I lost my Mum a long time ago. She is not the person I used to know anymore and when we talk on the phone it the briefest of conversations and lasts only minutes. We used to talk for hours on end with no effort at all. She sounds so low I find myself wondering if she would ever be brave enough to take her own life, although I don't think she would. I miss my old Mum and the fun and laughs we used to have together. I miss her smile and I hate her sad eyes. I want her suffering to end but I don't want to lose her. Either way I am totally heartbroken.
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