Today's post is an angry, sad, frustrated post with very little hope of better times to come.
I was naive enough to believe that the 3 month review and recent psychiatrist appointment was possibly going to be a turning point. We received good news at both meetings - Mum had experienced a very good response to chemotherapy, is currently in a "good remission" and the psychiatrist was pleased with her progress in terms of her speech and shaking which are pretty much back to normal these days. Her major problem now is lack of energy and total exhaustion.
I thought perhaps a little switch had been flicked which told Mum now was the time to start being more positive, appreciating and enjoying the life she has left. This is not the case! She is still in a deep depression, extremely negative and it seems as though she still believes death is around the next corner (or she wishes it was). Apparently Dad had to hide her pills as she threatened to take them all in one go, she failed to sleep one night and said she wanted to throw herself down the stairs and she has also talked about stepping out in front of moving cars within the last week. She cries hysterically all the time and frequently talks about how absolutely terrible everything is. She is feeling so low and sorry for herself and longing for the life which she will never have now.
I do sympathise, but I am SO bored of all the crying and the negative attitude. I am angry that she has 3 beautiful grandchildren and she struggles to enjoy them. She would rather be dead! She sees Dylan every week as he is still too young to be aware of what is going on. However, I do worry about her crying so much in front of him as he understands and remembers so much these days. I don't want him to see her crying hysterically. She avoids seeing Hattie and Mae because she doesn't want them to see her like she is and she worries that she won't be able to cope with them. I am just desperate for her to enjoy them and not be so utterly consumed in the situation she finds herself in.
Mum has made the decision that she will never have more chemo and if she had known what it was like, she would have never had it in the first place. If this had been the case she most definitely would not have seen Dylan's first birthday, seen him crawling, listened to his first words and seen him taking his first wobbly steps. I still want her to feel like she has purpose in her life which is why I encourage her to interact with Dylan, although I can see this is a real struggle for her. It is so sad. I still want her to be my Mum, but she says she can't be the person that David and I want her to be anymore. We have to keep reminding her that she is still alive and that life could be a hell of a lot worse (one day it will be).
Aunty Barbara came over this weekend to see Mum and help out with cooking, cleaning etc. We thought this was a perfect opportunity for Dad to have a little break away from the situation and we invited him over to our house to help with our garage building project and general DIY. Mum did make a little bit of progress at the weekend and decided that she and Barbara would accompany Dad on his visit. It has been three and a half months since her last visit so she was very pleased that she managed to make it back again. However, she was utterly exhausted and spent the entire time lying on the sofa. Her visit threw me off guard a bit as we weren't expecting everyone, the house was filthy and I didn't have any food in. I felt that I had to entertain and didn't achieve as much as I would have liked and it also meant that Dad didn't get to spend any time away from the situation which I think he desperately needed.
In the afternoon Mum decided she wanted to go for a little walk. She was so exhausted she could hardly stand up and looked very wobbly so I suggested that she wasn't well enough to go and should just sit on the sun lounger in the garden if she wanted some fresh air. This created a major meltdown which I don't think Oli had witnessed before and he felt very awkward. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is an illness and that she has no control over her emotions at the minute, as it is getting very tiresome. I have a new found admiration for my Dad who is doing a brilliant job of coping with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He does have his moments, but who wouldn't?!
Mum, Dad and Barbara left at around 4.30pm and by all accounts had a terrible journey home with Mum feeling car sick and unable to get comfortable. Was it worth it? I'm glad she came, but I just want her to be able to relax and enjoy the little things, rather than pushing herself too hard, which ultimately makes her feel worse. The last thing she needs is to add to her suffering.
I have to say I have very little faith in God anymore. If God cares for her then why is making her suffer so terribly? He's certainly not looking after her very well, as not only does she have stage 4 cancer which will eventually kill her, but she is suffering from extreme mental illness, which is fair to say is driving her insane. She feels so unwell that she would rather take her own life than carry on, but yet still God doesn't bring her any relief. Mum has been a faithful Christian her entire life and it seems so unfair that this is "God's plan for her". It's pointless! If there is good news then everyone is rejoicing about how wonderful God is and if there is bad news, everyone says God has a plan for her and sometimes we don't understand the workings of God as he works in mysterious ways. It's just excuses if you ask me. Mum has just been very unlucky.
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