Tuesday 19th June 2012
Mum finished her chemo almost 6 weeks ago now and today is the day of her CT scan. In the beginning we were told that chemo would run in 3 week cycles - treatment in week 1, feeling rotten in week 2 and feeling relatively normal in week 3. Week 3 never happened and week 2 has been the norm throughout the last 6 months. Given that it's been 6 weeks since she finished treatment we would have expected her to feel slightly better by now. This is not the case and it's heartbreaking to see her suffering. She is very anxious and has frequent panic attacks. Dad is worried about how she will cope with the scan today. They have also decided to scan her brain today and we are not sure if this is standard procedure at the end of treatment, or if they suspect the cancer has spread to her brain which could go some way to explaining Mum's mental state. I'm hoping it's just standard procedure.
Dylan and I go to the hospital with Mum and Dad and we are surprised at how brilliantly she copes. I think Dylan is a big distraction and really helps to take her mind off what's going on. She even manages to make a joke about the disgusting liquid she has to drink before her scan and I tell her that she's managed to retain a sense of humour. She is surprised and I think she's quite pleased with herself and smiles. This is the first time in months she has made a joke or I have seen a genuine smile from her. I am pleased. The scan goes well, Mum manages to remain still and not panic and now it's just a case of waiting for the results.
Wednesday 27th June 2012
Today is results day and Dylan and I are in Reading. Uncle Paul and Auntie Katie come to babysit so that I can go to the consultant appointment with Mum and Dad. Unfortunately David is on holiday in France and unable to make it. Today is much more stressful and Mum is not finding it easy to remain calm. Whatever we are told today is how it's going to be. There is no more treatment scheduled and even if it is offered, Mum has decided she is not going to put herself through anymore. So this is it!
The Cancer Clinic is heaving as usual and they claim they are running 30 minutes behind schedule. Mum's consultant is no-where to be seen and unsurprisingly not running the clinic today. They are short of doctors and the 30 minute delay soon turns in to a 2 hour delay. This is not good for someone who is suffering from extreme anxiety and panic attacks and waiting to hear what the future holds for her. She has several panic attacks while we are waiting and Dad has to take her outside and try to encourage her to remain calm. This is difficult. I can feel tears welling up whenever I look at her and I have to look at the floor and bite my bottom lip to stop myself from crying. I feel useless, I don't know what to say or do and I just let Dad look after her.
We are eventually called into the consultation room and the doctor sits down and starts by telling us that it's good news today. Mum has continued to respond to treatment and this is reassuring. The cancer cells are much smaller in the liver and not as clear on the scan picture as they had been previously. The brain scan is clear and there is no new change in the bowel. Mum is relieved but I think also disappointed that she has not been given the all clear. However, this was never going to be the case. I go into a separate consultation room with the doctor to see the scan picture for myself. The doctor explains that until they see how Mum gets through the coming months there is no way of knowing if the cancer cells we can see are active or dead tissue. It's possible that she could remain stable for quite some time, but he is reluctant to put a figure on it.
I feel nothing - I don't feel elated that we've had good news because at the end of the day Mum still has cancer and the picture is still no clearer in terms of how long we will have her for. The days, months and years ahead are still very uncertain. At least we can be thankful that her treatment has been worthwhile and that there is no spread to any other parts of her body. Now we just need to learn to live with it for however long that may be.
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