More heartache

W/C Monday 11th June 2012

We returned home from our week in France and the first thing I did on Monday morning was book a doctor's appointment to start the process of being pregnant again.  I knew what to expect this time and the doctor didn't give me the scary talk about one in four women having miscarriages.  I booked my first midwife appointment for 10 weeks and left the surgery wondering how quickly the next 5 weeks would pass before we would get a date for the first scan and begin to get excited about telling people at 12 weeks.  I believed that this pregnancy would give my Mum something to focus on and a real reason to live.

Oli left for a business trip to Newcastle on Wednesday morning and we had a long chat on the phone before bedtime that night.  Following our conversation I went to the bathroom, cleaned my teeth and went to the loo before going to bed.  I was horrified to discover blood.  I couldn't believe this was happening to me and didn't know what to do.  I couldn't go to A&E as it was 11pm and Dylan was fast asleep in bed and the Doctor's Surgery wouldn't be open until the morning.  I was home alone and lost.  I phoned Oli back and he sounded completely shell-shocked.  He told me to stay calm and call NHS Direct for some advice and then to call him back when I knew what was going on.

I called NHS Direct and told them what had happened and they told me they would get an out of hours GP to call me back within the hour.  I had to wait 45 minutes and I spent 15 minutes on the phone with a lovely doctor until midnight, who explained all the possibilities.  It could have been one of two things - an implantation bleed, when the egg attaches itself to the lining of your womb and can cause some light bleeding, or a miscarriage where the bleeding would get heavier and I would start to pass blood clots.  I hoped and prayed that it would be the first of the two scenarios.

Unfortunately by the morning the bleeding was very heavy and by the afternoon I was starting to pass clots.  I saw the GP and he explained that all the signs and symptoms were unfortunately pointing towards a miscarriage.  He encouraged me to expect the worst but hope for the best and he referred me to the Royal Surrey for an early pregnancy scan.  I naively thought I would be called in to hospital that afternoon but I heard nothing.  I spent the afternoon on tender hooks and Oli returned home from Newcastle later that evening. He had looked into coming back early but there was nothing he could have done as nature would just have to take it's course.

I phoned the hospital the next day and was disappointed to find out that they would not scan me until 7 weeks.  I would have to get through the next 2 weeks not knowing whether or not I was pregnant, secretly hoping that I was, but knowing in my heart of hearts that I wasn't.  My NCT friend had to do Dylan's first swimming lesson with him on Friday as I was unable to go in the water.  It broke my heart.  I managed to get through the weekend and then I decided to phone the hospital again early the following week and plead with them to scan me earlier.  Hearing my anxiety they reluctantly agreed to scan me at 6 weeks.

On Thursday of that week we went to the hospital with heavy hearts.  I knew what they were going to tell me but I secretly hoped that I would see a little baby blob on the screen.  Our suspicions were confirmed and there was nothing there.  I didn't cry, I was just completely numb.  I kicked myself for getting over-excited about the pregnancy, only to be totally and utterly disappointed that it wasn't meant to be.   I think the fact that I have been through pregnancy and birth successfully from start to finish previously, I never expected to experience a problem second time around.  The nurse explained that it would take 6-8 weeks for my body to recover and then there was no reason why we couldn't try again.  I saw it as my opportunity to finally start dieting and get my baby weight off from my first pregnancy so that I can start my next pregnancy in a better place health-wise, whenever that might be.