After the 4th round of chemotherapy Mum is feeling dreadful, both physically and mentally. She spends most of the next week in bed and only sometimes ventures downstairs to the sofa for a change of scenery. The chemo is really starting to take it's toll as the effects are cumulative, so the more you have the worse you feel. She is exhausted and very weak and this is really starting to get her down. The lovely nurse Kath did tell her that the cure feels worse than the disease and this is certainly the case.
She doesn't want to see or talk to anyone, apart from Dad, David and I. This is especially hard for Dad as Mum is now clearly suffering from depression and beginning to have panic attacks. She doesn't want to be left alone in the house so he can only really pop to the shops for 5 minutes to buy a pint of milk and a newspaper. David and I can't be there all the time as we both have jobs and families and unfortunately don't live down the road so quick visits are out of the question. We have both been spending several days there at a time and taking it in turns to visit almost every week. At least we can go home and be distracted by our children. Dad, on the other hand cannot escape. He has been a total rock to Mum. David and I try to encourage him to get out for a round of golf, a mooch around the shops or a coffee when we are there just to get out of the house.
Mum has lost interest in everything and her positive outlook has gone. She sees a very bleak future and keeps saying she wants to give up. It seems that nothing we say can encourage her as the only message that has sunk in is that her cancer will not be cured. She doesn't see the point in carrying on with the treatment if she is never going to beat the disease. She doesn't want to watch the TV, read a book, flick through a magazine or talk on the phone. She is incredibly quiet, lost in her own thoughts and her eyes look very sad and frightened. She spends a lot of time pacing around the house nervously. It is heartbreaking.
Cancer is really starting to take it's toll on all of us. After our second visit to hospital with Dylan and a very sick Mum, I feel emotionally exhausted and I'm just about at breaking point myself. Oli makes the decision to phone his Mum in France and get her to fly over and help us out for a week. John and Sue are brilliant and book her straight onto the next flight from Bergerac and she arrives later that evening. I don't really remember much of that week other than spending lots of time on the phone to Mum's Macmillan Nurse, Gill and the Colorectal Cancer Nurse Specialist Liz. I just feel the need to talk to someone professional who understands and can help Mum in a practical way. Gill is going to do a home visit with Mum to assess her mental state and suggest some changes to her medication. Liz wants her to come back to the consultant's clinic a week later to assess her, with the view to postponing the next round of chemotherapy. Sue does a great job of keeping Dylan districted whilst I do what I need to do and have some 'Me' time.
One fun thing I do manage to do this week is go to Hobby Craft and make an Easter bonnet for Dylan for the Nursery Easter Parade. Dylan won a prize for his hat and all the children looked adorable.
Unfortunately, he picked up another chest infection this week and was put on a further course of antibiotics which postpone my planned visits to Reading for a few days. I decide not to tell Mum that he is unwell as I do not want to add to her anxiety. I hate having secrets from her but these days she is panicking about everything and I know this will only add to her problems.
On Sunday 8th April Mum's sister Barbara flys in from Northern Ireland for a week. We are all hoping that she will be able to lift Mum's spirits and encourage her to keep going. Unfortunately Barbara is greeted by a very tearful and anxious Mum who is so very low now it's looking like nothing will be able to lift her spirits. Barbara spends the week cooking, cleaning and providing good company, although I know that like me, it doesn't matter how much she does to help she still feels useless. There is nothing that any of us can do to change the situation.
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