Clinic Appointment

Tuesday 10th April 2012

Mum has her clinic appointment today where they will make the decision whether she will continue with chemo this week or if it will be postponed.  I am unable to go to the appointment because Dylan has a chest infection.  Dad, David and Barbara attend with her and I am a nervous wreck at home all morning for reasons which I will outline below.

Mum has been saying a lot recently that she feels like she's dying or that she wants to die.  The chemo is so exhausting and she has no energy to do anything.  She keeps trying to do simple tasks like dry the dishes or set the table, but even these prove too challenging for her sometimes.  I find it incredibly frustrating that she will not rest when her body is clearly telling her that this is what it needs.  She keeps trying to push herself as she feels these tasks will help her to build her strength up, however I am convinced that they only add to her exhaustion.

I make the mistake of Googling topics like 'what happens when you die', 'when death is near' etc., as I'm now wondering if people can really know when the end is near.  Can you sense when you are close to death?  I try to put this thought out of my mind for most of the time as I don't want to think about the possibility of losing my Mum, but there are times when I can't avoid sadness and grief.  This morning is one of those times.  I am home alone, contemplating the topic of death and wondering what they are talking about at the clinic appointment. 

My Googling does me no favours, as everything I research sounds similar to the symptoms Mum is experiencing and I proceed to convince myself that perhaps she is really near the end of her life.  I am freaking out that they are going to tell her she's dying and it's only weeks away.  I phone Oli in tears and he trys to persuade me to stop looking at the internet and wait for the phone call from my brother.  Ironically there is a discussion on Radio 2 about Googling your symptoms and the damaging effects of this. 

After an agonising wait, my Dad texts me to say that my brother will phone me shortly with news.  It seems like forever before that phone call comes.  The first thing I ask him is if they think that she's dying, to which he replies 'no'.  The relief is immense.  He tells me that he was very emotional in the meeting as he spoke honestly about the fact that Mum has been saying things like she's ready for the Lord to take her now.  The consultant diagnosed her with clinical depression, made the decision to postpone the next round of chemo and started her on new medication to try and improve her mental state.  She will also be referred to a clinical psychologist.  She is incredibly fragile at the minute.

Later that afternoon I phoned the nurse Liz for a chat to talk through my own anxieties and hear for myself what she had to say.  She tells me that Mum is definitely not dying and that I don't need to worry about that for now.  It is the cumulative effects of the chemo and the added depression that are making her feel this way.  Liz explains that depression is an illness and similarly, if someone came in for chemo with an infection they would postpone the treatment until the infection was better.  This is the same for depression, they need to get it under control before they carry on with the treatment.  Liz makes me feel a little bit better, although I am so sad that my poor Mum has to suffer with depression on top of everything else she is already dealing with.  She was so strong and so positive and now she is so weak and negative.  I just hope the medication kicks in soon and starts to lift her dark mood.