No news is good news!

Wednesday 14th November

Today we had our first appointment with the palliative care doctor at the Sue Ryder Hospice in Reading accompanied by Mum's Macmillian nurse Gill.  It is in today's meeting that we will be told the results of the blood tests taken last week, which will show if there are signs of active cancer cells.

Dr Talbot starts by introducing herself and wanting to know about Mum as a person so that she is not treated as just another case number.  I really like her approach!  Mum tells her about her life, coming from Northern Ireland, moving to Reading when I was one month old, working in M&S for 25 years and then having to take early retirement due to getting cancer.  She is very tearful when she talks about this and says about the plans she had to help me with Dylan and her regrets for not leaving earlier.  She refers to the cancer as her death sentence.

The doctor eventually gets around to giving us the blood test results, which is the bit I have been waiting so anxiously for.  It's almost brushed over, as the bloods are completely normal and show no signs of the cancer returning yet.  She is still completely stable and still in remission, which is confusing due to her physical deterioration.  I can't tell if Mum is happy or disappointed.  We were all totally convinced that the blood would show something.  I guess to anyone outside our immediate family, this is fantastic news, but to us it means that the suffering, depression and anxiety will only continue for an unspecified amount of time.

Dad and I are asked to leave the room while Mum is physically examined.  When we return the bleeding is explained as though something has aggrivated the tumour and caused it to bleed.  The return of cancer is not the cause of the bleeding.  In the same way, if we cut ourselves, have a scar and keep catching it on something every day, it will continue to bleed as it is not being allowed to heal.  There is no real explaination for the tummy problems and Mum's physical exhaustion is likely to be caused by the depression rather than the cancer.  The chemo drugs will have made their way out of her system a long time ago and physically she should be feeling fine again, so all the current issues are definitely mental rather than cancer related.  This is so disappointing as mental problems are a lot harder to cure and understand.

In a really selfish way I'm quite angry with Dad for convincing us all that the end was a lot closer than it probably is.  I've suffered so much heartache and anxiety in the lead up to this and we've tried to change our routines in order to accomodate me spending more time with Mum.  Dylan's nursery have been very helpful in changing his days so that I can stay overnight in Reading one night a week and work have been very understanding about me not being able to come in to office anymore.  We don't want to be like "the boy who cried wolf" and use up everyone's goodwill until we really need it.  However, I know it will be a help to both Dad and Mum for the time being. 

There is something positive to take away from this meeting and that is that Dr. Talbot says she can prescribe something for the numbness in Mum's hands and feet.  This is a major problem that has been irritating her for months on end and some sort of relief I'm sure would lift her spirits slightly.  The very frustrating thing is why did her own doctor not suggest this months ago?! 

Mum agrees to attend the Day Centre at the hospice one day a week starting in a couple of weeks time.  They provide reflexology, acupunture and aromatherapy massive, all of which should help her anxiety levels.  She will also get to meet people in the same boat as her and may find it useful to know that she is not the only person suffering.  I really hope she will embrace this opportunity, because she is very negative about trying new things as so far nothing has really been able to help her.  Fingers crossed!