It's been almost a month since I blogged about Mum and it's fair to say that nothing has changed in a positive way. We are now starting to see a deterioration in Mum physically and the mental problems are still enormous with the drugs making very little difference to her anxiety. The psychiatric nurse keeps saying she wishes she could wave a magic wand but this is of course no help to anyone!
Mum has been bleeding again for approximately 3 weeks and it has now developed from occasional bleeding to constant. Over the last week to 10 days she has experienced pains in her tummy and her stomach has now started to swell. These are both signs that the consultant said to look out for which would indicate that the cancer has become active again.
Mum went to see the GP about a fortnight ago regarding the bleeding and he told her not to worry about it and that she had probably just popped a blood vessel if she was constipated and was straining to go. He said it was likely to heal itself and that she should only worry if it got worse. This seemed to be a bit of a cop out to me! I was surprised at his theory given that Mum has bowel cancer and has a massive tumour in her bowel. If someone with bowel cancer is bleeding from their bottom then surely this should start to ring alarm bells, but apparently not. Both Mum and Dad said the visit to the GP was a total waste of time, but they were reluctant to call the hospital or do anything further as he had told them it was nothing to worry about. I also think they are reluctant to have their suspicions confirmed.
Mum has recently seen a huge deterioration in her energy levels and she is also beginning to struggle with her breathing. Previously she struggled to get up in the mornings but always managed it by about 10am - 11am. She is now struggling to get up before lunchtime and when she does it is a massive effort. She is so wobbly Dad is terrified that she is going to fall down the stairs. She has to be supported most of the time now.
When I went to visit last week I had a good chat with Dad away from the house and he confessed that he feels the cancer is active again and that she doesn't have long left. He had arranged to see a solicitor to finialise their Wills urgently and he has been trying to get her bank accounts in order as a matter of priority. I suppose I was in denial a bit and thought to myself - "What does Dad know, he's not a doctor, he can't predict what's going to happen without any medical evidence to back it up?!" So, I chose to ignore Dad's theory and talked myself into believing that everything was still ok and that she is still in remission until we offically know otherwise.
Anyway, after several attempts to persuade Dad to talk to someone professional, he phoned Liz Riddle, the Colorectal Cancer Nurse Specialist at the Royal Berks on Friday. He told her his suspicion that the cancer was on the move again, explaining the signs and symptoms that Mum is currently experiencing. Liz agreed with Dad and said it is likely that the cancer has become active again. When Dad told me I had a massive lump in my throat and struggled to say anything. There was an akward silence before we quickly changed the subject. Dad and I have never been good at emotional stuff.
Liz told Dad that Mum's next follow-up and CT scan is booked for 31st December - what a great way to see in the New Year! She said that she could possibly try and bring it forward, but it wouldn't be by much as they are so, so busy. She asked Dad if there was bad news would Mum want to start chemo again, to which Dad replied "No". I think then it suddenly didn't become a priority anymore, because what is the point in rushing someone through the system if they don't want to do anything about it anyway. She said if Mum is not willing to have treatment then they are better of speaking with Macmillan who are palliative care nurses and deal with end of life care.
I can't quite believe this is actually happening! I am angry that no one wants to see Mum as a matter of priority, although I do also understand why Mum and Dad wouldn't want to know. What is the point in making life even more miserable than it already is? I still keep telling myself that maybe something else is wrong and it's not the cancer, but Dad says it is now plainly obvious what is happening. As much as I don't want to believe it, it looks as though it might be true. If the cancer comes back as aggresively as it did in the beginning then we could only be looking at weeks or a couple of months maximum.
So, having not cried for quite some time and getting through the last couple of months living in a bubble, my world has suddenly started to crash around me. The bubble has burst and I am now facing the prospect of actually losing my beautiful Mum in the not too distant future. I really don't want to lose her, but I really don't want her to continue to live in suffering either.
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