Tuesday 5th March 2013
We had our 20 week baby scan this morning which was successful. The baby is developing really nicely and I can also feel it moving now which is great. We explained Mum’s situation to the sonographer and asked her if she would be kind enough to write down the sex of the baby and put it in a sealed envelope for Mum. We would still like it to be a surprise so it will only be Mum who knows if we are having a boy or a girl. The sonographer was also kind enough to print out a couple of photos for Mum, including one of the baby’s face for her to see.
Following the scan I headed off to Reading on the train and spent the day with Mum on my own as Dylan was at nursery and I decided not to work. We originally thought that Mum might be discharged today as she is starting to get itchy feet and wanting to come home, but this is not the case as she appears to be getting worse and they want to do further tests on her liver to check whether or not it’s still functioning correctly.
I took my knitting with me and I actually had a lovely day chatting with Mum. She was able to get up and sit in the day room with me for a good couple of hours and we also enjoyed a nice visit from Sylvia Cheale and Linda Bryce. She was very talkative today and really seemed to enjoy the company. I presented the sealed envelope to her and asked her to only open it once I had left and to destroy the evidence once she knows our secret. She was delighted and promised to never tell a soul.
I asked to speak with one of the nurses while I was there as I wanted to gauge whether or not I should be changing Dylan’s nursery hours to enable me to spend more time with Mum at this stage. She was very vague to start with and said that it’s impossible to tell how long someone in Mum’s condition might last for, as obviously everyone is different. I kept pushing her and said that she must have some sort of idea as she works with people who are dying and sees it all the time. She said she would prefer a doctor to hazard a guess and went off to speak with Mum’s consultant. When she came back she told me that the doctor would guesstimate between a few short weeks and a couple of months and that I should start to make contingency plans regarding child care should I be called to come in at short notice.
Wednesday 6th March 2013
Dad informed me today that yesterday’s blood test results came back which showed that the liver is not functioning correctly and is now showing lots of abnormal activity. Based on these results the hospice do not plan to discharge Mum imminently as they want to keep a closer eye on her and see what the liver is doing.
Sunday 10th March 2013
Today is Mother’s Day so after having my lie in followed by breakfast in bed, we set off on the road to Reading again to visit Mum. We stopped at Long Acres Garden Centre on the way and chose several different bunches of flowers which I made into a bouquet in the car for Mum. I have to say that my husband is getting rather good at choosing flowers these days.
When we arrived I could instantly tell that Mum was a lot worse than she had been on Tuesday. She looked incredibly yellow and she could hardly keep her eyes open. It was tough to see her like this, especially after we had shared such a nice day together on Tuesday. Dylan was very excited to see her and had been shouting “Granny B! Granny B! Granny B!” all the way from the car to her bedside. I am so grateful that he is too young to be even remotely aware of what is going on. Oli took him to the Day Room and I sat by Mum’s bedside for a while until David, Keri and the girls arrived.
Mum decided that she needed to make the effort to get up and see her grandchilden – I guess she is constantly wondering now if this will be the last time she sees them. She decided she would try and make it to the Day Room for a short while. I helped her to the bathroom and then a short way along the corridor to the Day Room which I could tell was a real struggle for her. She looks so weak and frail these days and her skin is practically hanging off her bones because she has lost so much weight. My youthful Mum really looks like an old lady these days which I just can’t seem to get my head around.
She collapsed in a chair as soon as we made it to the Day Room and only lasted about 20 minutes before she had to go back to bed. This was a real change to 5 days ago when she sat for a good couple of hours and was able to chat quite happily. We then took it in turns to sit by her bed, hold her hand a talk to her until it was time to go home. Once again we left with heavy hearts and I had a little cry in the car on the way home.
Wednesday 13th March
After last week’s liver function test results I made arrangements with nursery to take Dylan two consecutive days in a row again, enabling me to stay over in Reading one or two nights a week, leaving Oli in charge. I have plans in terms of childcare for approximately 6 weeks, although I am doubtful that this whole process will go on for another 6 weeks now.
I drove to Reading this morning and was again shocked at the state I found Mum in today. She has deteriorated massively in 3 days since Sunday. She was even more jaundiced today, the whites of her eyes are even starting to look yellow and she slept for almost the entire time I was with her. I don’t think I was able to have a sensible conversation with her today as she has started hallucinating and was talking nonsense. She was convinced at one stage that she had an elephant in her hand and she also asked the nurses if she could have a glass of fertiliser to drink!
I managed to speak with the nurse in charge who was reluctant to put any sort of time scale on how much longer the process would take. On Sunday I felt like I was visiting Mum, today I feel like I am waiting for her to die. I’m glad that I have said everything I wanted to say to her when she was coherent because now I feel as though we’ve finally reached the end stages. The nurse told me that the hallucinations are caused by the chemical imbalances in her body which is ultimately down to her liver failure. She confirmed that Mum’s condition is deteriorating and that she is a lot more poorly today than she had been. We will have more of an idea tomorrow when the doctors do their Ward Round.
My gut feeling is that we may only have Mum for a couple more days, perhaps a week at best. Her beloved sister Barbara is coming over from Northern Ireland tomorrow and in my heart of hearts I feel that she may hold on for Barbara to arrive before she slips away. I am so glad that we managed to find out the sex of the baby for her while she was still well enough to understand and take it in. At least she knows what my future family will look like, even if I don’t.
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